Careful with that slogan

The Sunday Telegraph 28 August 2011

Politics aside, if I was paying my dues for the HSU, I would be a bit narky about them being used for renting hookers unless a nurse’s uniform were somehow involved, which I suppose isn’t out of the question.

Who’s who of Sydney traffic

The Sunday Telegraph 3 July 2011

In this post-privacy world where nobody knows you’re really quite a nice person when you’re not on the internet, there’s a bit of a stink in Sydney about police being able to order removal of any face coverings, including veils, helmets and hoodies to establish if you are who you say you are.

Now this doesn’t seem to be an entirely unreasonable, but mix Sydney traffic with a sensitive issue like religion (or pretty much anything come to think of it) and there’s bound to be some angst involved.

Jesus turned my water into whisky

The Sunday Telegraph 26 June 2011

Sometimes the devil sends whisky to lead us into temptation. Then he makes it a double, then he just keeps them coming until you’re completely full of the holy spirit and drive into a parked car with a blood alcohol reading of .206.

But lo! and possibly verily! US evangelist Jason Hooper and faith healer got off without a fine or jail, which proves that miracles do happen. No doubt he’ll be laying hands on the car he crashed into later on, saving a fortune at the panel beater.

Which came first, the omelette or the egg?

The Sunday Telegraph 19 June 2011

In hindsight, one of Julia’s biggest mistakes was in dispatching Kevin with such terrifying efficiency. Firstly, it set somewhat unrealistically high expectations of her capacity to get the job done, and secondly it left Kevin floating around the place like a slightly bemused ghost who’s not quite sure what just happened.

Anyway, while last year there wasn’t much time for the traditional drawn-out leadership tensions we’ve come to expect and enjoy (taken to farcical extremes by Peter Costello in the previous decade), it’s pretty much inevitable that there’s going to be a little bit of chat about it on the anniversary of Kevin’s demise as PM, if only to get it out of everyone’s systems.

It seems inconceivable that the ALP could possibly contemplate unscrambling the egg, much less putting Kevin back together. My pet theory is that the whole crazy episode was precipitated by most of the Labor Party being driven completely insane from sleep deprivation caused by trying to keep up with Kevin’s 24/7 work schedule and while the polls will probably  be keeping most of them up at night, I can’t quite see that level of madness creeping in again.

But hey, at least it makes a change from talking about climate change and refugees.

Stop the cows!

The Sunday Telegraph 5 June 2011

…and you thought the Oceanic Viking was awkward. The tantalising prospect of humane slaughter would be the ultimate pull-factor for those queue-jumping illegal cow immigrants. Ban live cattle exporting to Indonesia and you just watch the bovine hordes flocking, er, herding to our shores. Stop the cows!