One at a time on the podium, please.

The Sunday Telegraph, 26 September 2010

Apparently, if you’re at the Commonwealth Games and somebody shouts “AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE”, there’s a possibility it’s a trap, so best keep the OYs to yourself, sports fans. There’s also a rumour that the government is advising athletes to avoid drawing attention to themselves by winning a medal and if they do so, put on a kevlar tracksuit and make sure somebody else gets up on the podium first.

How to ease the sleaze

The Sunday Telegraph, 5 September 2010

Let’s face it, unless you’re a political cartoonist, the NSW state Labor government isn’t very good. To a satirist, it’s not just fish in a barrel, it’s a barrel full of stinking putrescent fish that have been out in the sun too long. I could expand on this thesis, but Joe Hildebrand has already done a perfectly good job of it in the Tele.

Big potatoes

The Sunday Telegraph, 29 August 2010

Have I mentioned that I for one welcome our new rural overlords? (IFOWONRO for convenience (moving forward)). Anyway, I do, though I’m not entirely sure Julia and Tony would agree and if either of them manages to cobble together some sort of workable government out of this sack of potatoes, then I takes me newly purchased compulsory Akubra off to them.

Should have worried about stopping the speedos

The Sunday Telegraph, 22 August 2010

In a classic piece of misdirection, Tony Abbott suckered the Queen of the Rangas into thinking that stopping the boats was the problem when all the time she should have been worrying about the budgie smugglers.

Is it any coincidence that Tony ‘s been running around the country in suspiciously bulging lycra and all of a sudden Right-Wing Budgies* are popping up all over the place? Especially in the warmer states where a bloke wearing speedos wouldn’t be out of place??

Coincidence? I think not.

The above map was my best guess of how the election was going to turn out for The Sunday Tele. Of course, the devil’s in the detail and crack squads of well-armed zoo-political commandos have been deployed to see what sort of exotic fauna is infesting the non ranga/budgie electorates. Whatever wildlife they bring back to Canberra, it’s going to be one hell of a circus.

*Right-Wing Budgie or melopsittacus megalodextrous – endemic Australian budgerigar particularly noted for its repetitive cry of “stop the boats!” while flying in circles.

Whatever you do, don’t pull his finger

The Sunday Telegraph, 16 August 2010

If you can judge the quality of a man by his enemies, then someone who inspires the level of fear and loathing amongst politicians and journos that Mark Latham does must have something going for him. Hopefully his effort on 60 Minutes tonight will live up to the hype more successfully than his campaign in 2004.